Big Feelings: How to Process Emotions During Relationship Problems

Hello, hello — this is Danielle Ireland, and you’re listening to Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs. Today I’m coming at you with a solo cast.

These are so fun for me for so many reasons. It’s like a living, breathing journal where I can process what’s happening in my life, what I’m learning from clients, or just new “aha” moments — whatever’s exciting or moving through me right now.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve had some really juicy therapy sessions with clients. There are moments in session where I’ll be listening, taking notes, or something just flies out of my mouth and I think, “Damn… that was a tasty dish.” It lands deeply, gives me chills, or feels like something that needs to live somewhere beyond the session.

So I’ll scribble a note on a Post-it, scratch something at the top of the client note, or bring it up with my husband over dinner. Fun fact: that’s actually how the title for Wrestling a Walrus came to me. It was something I said in a session that stuck.

So today, I’m sharing “Lessons from Sessions” — specifically around relationships. And before we go deeper, I want to clarify that nothing personal or identifying is ever shared here. I only share themes, takeaways, and insights from the human experience — never details, names, or stories that belong to someone else. That would be unethical, and it would just feel icky.

But if you’ve ever wondered, Is anyone else struggling with this? Has anyone else thought this way? What do you even do when this happens? — this episode is for you.

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When Winning Means Losing

When it comes to relationships, especially arguments, if the goal is to “win,” you’ve already lost.

There’s usually a momentum leading up to every heated exchange — a repeated pattern, an old dynamic, or something unresolved that keeps looping. It’s rarely just about “the thing” in front of you — the dishes, the text, the tone of voice. It’s about the need underneath: to be heard, validated, or reassured that the other person gets you.

That makes sense. But when I’m fighting to win, I’m not really listening. I’m proving. I’m defending. And somewhere in there, my partner stops being my partner and becomes my opponent.

When that happens, the best thing I can do — even mid-sentence — is pause. Throw up my hands, take a breath, and step out of the game.

It’s not avoidance; it’s recalibration. When I’m flooded, my brain and body are offline. Once I breathe and step away, clarity almost always follows. I’ll see the situation differently. Maybe I feel contrite, maybe I soften, maybe I can text something thoughtful instead of firing back another “point.”

The pause breaks the momentum. It’s not walking away from the relationship — it’s stepping out of the battlefield.

If you’re with someone who feels anxious when you pull back, you can say:

“I’m not walking away from you. I just need a minute to come back as my best self.”

Because when winning is the goal, everyone loses. But when understanding is the goal, connection has a chance.

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Hollow Apologies (a.k.a. Chocolate Bunny “I’m Sorrys”)

Let’s talk about apologies — the hollow, chocolate Easter bunny kind that look solid on the outside but are empty inside.

“I’m sorry, but…”
Whatever comes after “but” is usually the truth. The “I’m sorry” before it? Filler.

We often use apologies as scripts to fast-track through discomfort: If I just say the right words, we can skip the awkward part where I actually have to feel something.

But repair doesn’t come from saying “sorry.” It comes from acknowledgment.

“I see the impact my behavior had on you.”
“I hear how what I said landed for you.”

That’s real connection. That’s presence.

Before apologizing, I like to ask myself (and invite clients to do the same):

“Does this situation actually call for an apology? Or is what we really need clarity and acknowledgment?”

Most of the time, it’s the latter.

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“I Just Don’t Understand” — and Other Convenient Confusions

Here’s one I hear all the time — and I’ve used it myself: “I just don’t understand.”

Confusion can feel safe. Because if I don’t understand, I don’t have to change.

So the question I like to follow with is:

“Do you want to understand?”

Because once you do, you can’t unknow. Awareness demands accountability.

I’ve seen this show up in relationships, careers, and my own life. For example, I knew — for about six months — that I was ready to go out on my own, leave the practice that helped me grow, and start something new. I knew it in my bones but wasn’t ready to act. I needed to not know for a while.

Sometimes “not knowing” is actually preparation. You’re getting ready to be ready. And that’s okay.

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A Grounding Practice for Big Feelings

Whether it’s fighting to win, over-apologizing, or pretending confusion, the antidote is the same: pause and breathe.

When I’m flooded, my brain’s problem-solving center goes offline. Breath brings me back. I imagine little Danielle — five to eight years old — and then I imagine little them, the other person. It softens me.

When emotions are high, it’s not “adult me” at the table. It’s younger versions of ourselves, both just trying to feel safe.

Here’s what helps me reset when big feelings take over:

1. Breathe. Bring the body back online.
2. See little me, see little them. Remember we’re both human.
3. Disarm. You’re not enemies.
4. Speak kindly. Say what’s true with as much gentleness as you can.

There’s no perfect script. Truth and kindness are the only things that hold.

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Closing Thoughts

I want to hear from you. Let me know what landed, what you’re curious about, and what questions you’d like me to explore in future solo casts. You can email me directly at da******@*************nd.com — I’m the only one who reads it.

Before you go, check out the show notes for links to Wrestling a Walrus and Treasured: A Journal for Unearthing You. Both are designed to help you explore your own big feelings safely and deeply.

Please rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast — those three small actions help others find these conversations.

And remember:
The truth can always be delivered with kindness. It may not be easy, but it’s always kind.