Your Stress Reset: Finding Joy When Life Feels Uncertain

Your Stress Reset: Finding Joy When Life Feels Uncertain

[00:00:09] Hello. Hello and welcome. Welcome to the Stress Reset you need before the holidays. This is an episode of Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs. I am Daniel Ireland. I’m so glad you’re here and this is what we’re doing today. I just wrapped a five episode miniseries called Put Down the Panic, a Kinder Guide to Stress.

[00:00:28] Now, of course, as a good host and content creator, I feel like what I should say to you is if you missed it, make sure to go back and listen to those episodes. But I’m gonna be real honest with you. Sometimes we need a shortcut. Sometimes we need a cheat sheet and maybe not even a cheat sheet, but you know how like sometimes you could take a test, but you could keep one page of notes when you took the test, which did that even really count?

[00:00:53] I don’t know. I just cared about the A at that age. Not really the learning, because I’ve forgotten more than I’ve ever learned, but I digress. Today’s episode is just think of it like a love note to you. I wanna simplify the process and what we’re gonna do. Is recap all five episodes in a short, succinct, mini little nugget refresher episode that you can download.

[00:01:16] You can save, you can revisit, if you were knee deep in the trenches trying to take a holiday photo and you’re like, why? Why did I do this to us? Or maybe it was just me last week, and that’s a true story. I’ll share in a second when you need a reminder. When you need to remember you’re not alone or you just need some quick little nugget quote, action step.

[00:01:38] What’s one thing I can do to steer this ship one degree back to how I wanna feel during this sparkly holiday time? This is that episode. So here we go. We’re gonna recap. So put in your earbuds, go out for your walk, get your mug of tea ready? Okay, we’re locked in, we’re loaded. We’re ready to be cozy af We’re doing this .

[00:01:59] The holidays are here. They’re not even around the corner. We’re here. I am recording days before Halloween. The holiday season is upon us, and there are some core beliefs that can the pressure the stories we carry into the season can add to that crispy, crunchy.

[00:02:21] A tissue paper crinkle as we may be wrapping gifs and also feeling like our chest is crunching and our abdomen is getting tight. Here are some of those core beliefs, because what I wanna do is help empower you to hold space for these, but not let it run the show.

[00:02:39] I have to make sure everyone has the most magical time. I can’t disappoint anyone. Because of course not my job is to make everyone happy and cozy. traditions are non-negotiable. That’s what makes them traditions. They’re chiseled in stone. They’re commandments. These are tradition commandments that are if it isn’t photographed, the moment didn’t happen. I cannot tell you, I am the worst culprit for remembering to take photos. Then once I take the photo, what I immediately start to think is, am I no longer present in this moment when I’m trying to capture this moment? And then for the people in my life who are really great documenters, really great photographers who, all right, let’s get together for a photo internally.

[00:03:20] No matter how polite I look on the outside and I’m totally outing myself, but no matter how. Much. I might be smiling and saying, yay, I love this internally, I hate it. I hate it. I’m like, I don’t wanna stop this moment. I don’t wanna corral people and put on a smile for a photo. But then when I’m no longer in the throes of the moment and I’m feeling a little nostalgic, I look back at those photos and I always give that person like a mental high five, thanking them because.

[00:03:48] In the moment, that always feels stressful to me. But when I can look back at some moments where someone did remember to take a photo, I am always grateful for it. But it’s tense. It makes me tense. And this is supposed to be the happiest time of year. It’s almost like the Disney of a season. This is the most magical, sparkly, important season.

[00:04:07] And my God, you better be enjoying it. But don’t forget swimsuits right around the corner. Don’t forget about spring break, right? It’s just one more freaking thing. And so when those beliefs are layered and sandwiched on top of or between everyday stress, it’s a wonder we feel stuck. It’s a wonder. We feel burnout, and I’ll give you a little, a little hot take, a little therapy, hot take.

[00:04:31] This is the time of year when most people come out of the woodwork who have been taking a break from therapy. This is when most people decide they wanna come back in December. More so than any other month is when people need appointments and they cancel them the most, which it has been that way since I was an intern, when I was working for a practice and then working for myself.

[00:04:50] It is always that way. The last two weeks of December, I just don’t take clients. Because when I know, and it’s no fault to anyone’s, and it’s certainly not a criticism, but life gets really lifey and the needs and demands. On people’s time, their calendars, their commitments.

[00:05:07] It just all feels too much. And what often falls by the wayside are the things that we do to take care of ourselves, to nourish ourselves. there’s less space to do the things that on any other day, any other time of year, we. Lovingly do for ourselves. We just don’t always make the space for it.

[00:05:28] And then come January it all comes tumbling down with head colds and flus and exhaustion or seasonal effective, all of the things. And what I want to, because this is turning into a doomsday riff. let me dial it back a little. It’s important to talk about this going in. You don’t wanna wait until you’re in the middle of the game to try to think, well, what was that new play I learned?

[00:05:56] And honestly, I don’t know why I’m doing a sports metaphor for this. I, I’m, I’m not of the sports, but it fits. You don’t wanna wait until it’s go time to try to recall what you need. The holiday season is here. Let’s lay the groundwork so that you can be the most present, the most alive, the healthiest, the most vibrant version of you in whatever form that takes.

[00:06:22] That might mean matching plaid in a beautiful photo around your tree. That might mean. Everyone has sweatpants and most people aren’t wearing pants. If you’re my son and my husband, like they just, one of ’em loves a diaper. The other loves their boxer briefs. You can guess who it is. Sorry, David, but sometimes that is what Sunday.

[00:06:45] Cozy is sweatpants, unbred hair. Whatever your version is, whatever your version of pleasure and whatever way you wanna experience delight, I want that for you too.

[00:06:55] Let’s get into the recap. The first episode. Why you’re so tired, even when you’ve done nothing big today. Now, this is even more true this time of year because there’s a couple of different factors. One is lateral comparison. So when you look around and everyone is as busy as you operating with the same level, they’re spinning all the plates, they’re going to all the things, they’re arranging, all the things.

[00:07:27] Everyone’s busy. It’s hard to really gauge when the way you are trying to measure your okayness or your readiness or how much rest you should be allowed to have when that is measured by the people around you and how they’re operating in the world. It is so like lightning quick Before you really even have an opportunity to catch up with your own thinking, to either feel like you’re falling behind, you’re not doing enough, you’re not doing it right, or you’re not doing it as Pinterest perfect,

[00:07:59] Whenever we compare, we’re either gonna feel better than or worse than often. Than it’s worse than. And I can tell you neither is true and neither is serving you. To remember that your exhaustion. If and when you feel it, and my guess is you’re not gonna feel it all the time. And even if you are in a season of fatigue, it’s not the same every minute of every day, but when you feel it, this is the key takeaway to remember.

[00:08:25] This is the point of that entire first episode. Exhaustion isn’t laziness. It is the impact of an invisible mental load. Okay, I’m gonna say that again. Your exhaustion, when you feel it is not laziness. It is the cumulative impact of your invisible mental load. So what does that mean and what can you do about it?

[00:08:47] The first thing is to acknowledge it. Write it down, say it to yourself, say it to a friend, let it exist. And before. You make a decision. It could be as you’re reaching for your fourth coffee ask yourself, with as much grace and compassion as you can, do I need more fuel?

[00:09:05] Or do I need a few minutes to breathe? And even if the answer is, I want both, great. Fantastic. This is a choose your own adventure, but know that your body does not lie to you. we can be really deceptive and covert with our thinking. We can also do tremendous things with our thinking, but your body is always responding to what you were thinking and believing, and how you’re moving throughout your day.

[00:09:30] So when you are, exhausted, my friends , please, in the most gentle way possible, acknowledge it to yourself. Acknowledge it to someone else. And then see where you can create a little more space. And again, if you’re new to the podcast, what I mean by space is, I don’t mean you have to completely set your entire calendar on fire.

[00:09:51] A minute with intentional breath, that can be as fueling as an espresso. Everything that goes into this season, there’s lists, there’s remembering gifts, there’s meal planning. you are the unpaid, invisible intern of Santa, if that’s the holiday that you celebrate and everyth that goes into making the season bright.

[00:10:12] Somebody is owning that. Somebody is arranging that somebody is laying out the outfits, somebody is doing the meal planning, meal prepping and actual cooking and clean up and after everything that goes into making something beautiful and special for the family. There is someone who is spearheading that, and if you are that someone and you are starting to feel, or you’re in the midst of feeling that deep exhaustion, it is not a character flaw.

[00:10:43] It’s not laziness and it’s not failure. Your fatigue is letting you know something important and what I want for you, my wish for you is for that to be honored before it takes you down in the form. Of something that really takes you down, like on the low end, getting real, real sick. On the worse end, something worse than real sick.

[00:11:03] Listen to your body. Trust what it’s telling you.

[00:11:06] Episode two, recap. Here we come. I hit the wall, but here’s how I climb back. you hit it, you’re in it, you’re already there. So let’s say you missed episode one and then you missed the first part of the recap and you’re like, Danielle, I’m already in it.

[00:11:20] Now, what do I do?

[00:11:21] The key takeaway for that entire episode is that burnout is an cumulative process. It sneaks up on you, drip by drip, moment by moment, decision by decision, not all at once. So if you have an overcommitted afternoon, but you want to say yes to all the things, that’s okay. Do it. There will be an energetic toll that you will feel afterwards.

[00:11:44] The point is. You don’t crash, you don’t fall apart. You don’t feel despondent or lethargic or like you want to just cancel all of the holiday plans. It doesn’t happen in one day or one meeting or one party. It’s often when we feel all of it coming crashing down. In one singular event that we think that we focus almost too much on that event.

[00:12:12] Remembering that it is a little slow, persistent drip. It’s a leaky pipe in the basement that maybe we don’t notice until there’s a lot more water damage. So as you’re moving through each of your experiences, check in with you. Check in with you. Every time you get an invitation, every time you get a calendar invite, anytime somebody asks you to do anything, hey, can you swing by and pick up this?

[00:12:36] Before you say yes, take a breath, pause, check in with your body. Yeah. Is that something you wanna say yes to? Is that something you can say yes to? Is that something you will say yes to? You might have different answers for all of those, but that information is so crucial to know moving in because the more intentional, embodied, fully owned yeses you make and fully embodied nose, you make that little drip, is that the impact of that is going to be less and less and less.

[00:13:11] Ultimately serving you more to enjoy the experiences that you deserve to have

[00:13:15] the other sneaky little sub part of episode two, reserve the right to change your mind. You are a full grown adult. If you said yes to something in October, you said yes to something in November, and it falls in December, like again, that drip that catches up with you, you reserve the right to change your mind because you said yes, maybe on a sunny Thursday afternoon when you had nothing but time and nothing but energy.

[00:13:43] And then December rolls around and there’s a lot more going on around you. It’s okay. And maybe even owning. There might be some disappointment in the aftermath of this, but I’m willing to let the disappointment live outside of me then inside of me, because if it lives inside of me, it’s likely going to turn into a migraine.

[00:14:03] It is likely gonna turn into neck tension or pulling a really big muscle or getting really, really sick, and I don’t wanna hold that pain. So I’m gonna let the disappointment live outside me. Okay, now episode three. Recap. Episode three was too loud to think. It’s just too loud to think, and I need to turn down the dial of my stress.

[00:14:22] The key takeaway to this was overstimulation is what fuels burnout. Silence isn’t empty, it’s healing. If you have small children in the house, they have toys that make noise. A TV is on, or maybe you’re someone who likes the noise and likes the stimulation. It may not be stimulation in your environment, but it could even be the noise and chatter in your mind. When the noise gets too loud, wait to turn down the dial.

[00:14:47] Turn down the volume. Stop, whatever it is you’re doing, sit on your hands, get the phone away. After you’re done listening to this episode, of course, get the phone away and breathe. Now I know just a moment ago, I said one minute is good and one minute counts. I will always give you the gold star credit for one minute, but I’m gonna push it to three minutes now.

[00:15:09] When it feels too loud, when there’s too much noise, when there’s too much pressure, when it’s all TOO, pause, take a beat, three minutes. Now for those of you who listen, who are maybe like longtime meditators, this is gonna be no news to you, but I’ll say even as someone who has meditated. Consistently inconsistent most of my adult life, at least for the last, I don’t know, 22 years, that every time I am convinced I cannot slow down. I’ve just begun to make an association with when I feel that way or I start to think that way, that that is absolutely the moment no matter what I’m doing, that I need to stop and pause and breathe.

[00:15:52] That’s even if I have a child who’s melting down, I stop, sit, pause, and breathe. The breath is the quickest way. One of the quickest ways to tap into that parasympathetic nervous system that drops us out or fight or flight, that drops us out of that spiraling thinking brings us back into our body.

[00:16:10] And if actually, and this isn’t even meditation, but three minutes where you’re sitting. And you are looking out your window, observing what you see, feeling the chair beneath you or feeling the ground beneath you, feeling your clothing on your skin, anytime that you can embody what’s happening in your mind and what you’re feeling in your body with what’s happening presently in the moment when those three things combine.

[00:16:36] It’s an integrative exercise that helps time slow down and it turns the volume down and then you can actually hear the voice that you want, captaining your ship. The voice that you wanna be listening and responding to that voice has an opportunity to speak. ’cause the voice that has the wisdom you need, that has the insight, the knowingness of what’s the next right step I should take?

[00:17:02] What’s the next right thing to do? How should I handle this? That voice is not a shouty, loud screamy voice. That voice is not going to talk over the dinner table. That voice is quieter. Steven Spielberg in a commencement address. I think for, it might have been for UCLA, talked about the whispers.

[00:17:22] Those that still knowing, that’s guiding us to whatever is the next right thing for us. That voice of You need to go, give them a hug. Or it’s okay to say yes. It’s okay to say no. That inner knowing is quiet and soft, so it’s okay to soften your thinking, soften your behavior.

[00:17:43] Get still enough to hear it.

[00:17:45] Episode four. Recap the stress symptoms that you are ignoring and why they won’t go away on their own. And they have something to tell you. They have something important. When your body is lighting up in either pain or hives, or nausea or tension, or a headache or pressure or compression on the chest, or tension in your hands, aching joints a tight jaw, your body is.

[00:18:13] Trying. Its best to let you know before the walls really come tumbling down that there’s smoke in the house, right? We don’t know where the fire is. Maybe we don’t see the fire. Maybe we’re not so far down in the well of burnout that there’s no hope of escape. But there’s definitely something we need to pay attention to.

[00:18:34] And so if and when your body has given you those big signals, that is absolutely a moment where you need to raise your hand up and radically acknowledge and the best way you can. I need help. And the only one who can save me right now is me. It’s like you get swept out in a riptide and it’s too dangerous of a current for people to get out to get you.

[00:18:58] And you have to let the current take you down until you get to a safe point to swim as shore. I’m gonna save myself and then in so doing will call in the cavalry, call in the right people to help support me. But I need to get myself to the shore first. And so when your body is screaming at you for attention, listen, you don’t need to white knuckle it. It’s not about being, somebody who can just grip tighter through the pain. when you listen to it, and this is something that anybody can do, and it may sound silly, but it’s truly not.

[00:19:33] It’s all connected to somatic work and embodied work. The part of you that’s in pain,. Ask it, for example, when I clench my jaw or when I clench my teeth really tight, when I ask that part of my body what it wants me to know, it’s usually there’s a truth.

[00:19:47] I’m not speaking. There’s something that needs to be said that I’m holding back when I feel a tightness or a twisting in my abdomen, when I ask that part, what it wants me to know. it usually has more to do with I’ve handed my power over to somebody. I’m either weighing their approval, weighing their decision too heavily on how I should be, how I should move forward, and I’m feel like I’m losing my power if my hips are feeling tight.

[00:20:18] Sometimes the thing that I’m feeling, it can be a combination of either. I’ve been sitting, I’ve been sitting at my desk too long. and I actually need to move or, so it can also be what it’s telling me is something physical. It doesn’t always have to be emotional, but it almost always is a combination of both something physical and also something emotional.

[00:20:37] but your body has a lot of wisdom this is the only one we get, so let’s not ignore it. let’s integrate it. Let’s love it. Let’s feed it good food. let’s give it nice, warm, cozy things. Let’s put on some fuzzy socks and be so nice to ourselves. Last but not least, episode five. Recap. How to say no without feeling like a bad person. We don’t wanna say no on graciously, or maybe we even wanna say yes to all the things, but there just isn’t enough me to go around. There isn’t enough you to go around to everything you wanna say yes to. Here’s how we talk about saying no. If I feel like a bad person.

[00:21:12] Boundaries protect your peace better than recovery ever can. this is the belief and the understanding that when you hold it in your hand makes whatever words come that much more solid in you. That I am being loving to me today, in service of me tomorrow. I’m not being loving to me today to withhold love from anybody else.

[00:21:38] I’m not. Saying yes or no, in spite of it actually has nothing to do with anybody else. But I know when I don’t listen, when I haven’t listened the toll it takes on me later, I’m going to believe those versions of me. Who paved the way through their own stress responses, I’m going to believe them and I’m going to carry that belief and that knowing, because we believe what we experience.

[00:22:04] For better or worse, I’m going to believe that experience. I’m not going to ignore it. And when I start to feel the symptoms, before I say anything, I’m going to believe myself first. And move into whatever I say from that place of loving me, knowing that from that place I can access the truth ist truth, which is always kind.

[00:22:25] I like to think of a love sandwich. I say, the thing I love about the invitation, I say the thing I love about the person. I say the thing that a part of me wants, then I speak the truth, which is, but no, I’m not gonna go.

[00:22:36] Or yeah, I’m gonna go, but I’m gonna probably bail early, whatever it is, and then I’m gonna end with, but thank you so much. Love you. Love you for thinking of me. Love that I’m included. I love feeling included. I always wanna be included. I’m not gonna go. But thank you so, so much because you are the best and I can’t wait to see you in another time very soon when I’m a little less fatigued.

[00:22:59] Boop. Love sandwich. You got it.

[00:23:02] Now it’s just a quick plug. For a couple of products that I love. All of these episodes, what they point back to is a key truth that the holidays are meant to be. A tender, warm celebration in whatever way celebrates the season of life you are in. I happen to be in a season of life that involves small kids, so the things that I’m going to do, the things that I’m going to need the energetic toll on me before, during, and after some of these activities, it’s just going to look different than it did five years ago than it did 10 years ago

[00:23:37] Listening to the wisdom of my body allows me to experience the magic of the moment because the magic is always in the moment. It’s not in the mind, it’s in the lived experience. I wanna be present and sane enough to enjoy this holiday season. And my God, I wanna go through it without. a runny nose or running a fever, I wanna feel healthy and I think we all do, The thing that makes us feel most stuck is believing that we have to deliver the magic, that we are the stewards of everyone else’s experience when the hard one truth is that the only person’s experience you actually can control is your own. there’s no doubt that we have influence on one another.

[00:24:19] My mood influences the people in my life, but so does not taking care of myself, my not taking care of myself also influences the people in my life. Loving them to the best of my ability, also requires me to love me to the best of my ability. And by extension, I then have more to give. It’s this beautiful, reciprocal relationship between me and the people I love. And I want the same for you.

[00:24:42] Now for a couple of products that I love. If you are ready to put some of these tools into practice, check out the treasured journal. It is a seven part guided journal and meditation series that I designed to help you pause, reset, and reflect when the feels get really loud. And for the littles in your life.

[00:25:00] I have a children’s book called Wrestling a Walrus For little people with big feelings, it helps them name their emotions in a playful and approachable way. And honestly, it’s great for adults too. Both are linked in the show notes.

[00:25:11] If you miss the finale of this mini series, I offered a free gift. And what I decided to do is honestly just open it up for the rest of the season because whether you’re new, whether you’ve been here for a while, maybe you missed it. One, we need something that is free and we also need something that makes this load that we’re carrying a little bit lighter.

[00:25:29] And that’s what meditation does for me. That’s what this gift is. it’s actually a bundle of three free meditations. Just for podcast listeners. It’s designed to help ground you when the season feels heavy and it’s waiting for you in the show notes. There’s a link for you there.

[00:25:42] Thank you for joining me for this recap episode. The holidays don’t have to feel like an emotional obstacle course. They don’t have to feel unnecessarily heavy, and if they happen to give yourself the credit, it’s okay. It’s all right.

[00:25:56] We’re gonna get through this and we’re gonna have fun doing it too. Like we don’t just wanna survive, we wanna thrive, and I deserve it. You deserve it. We all deserve it. You definitely don’t need a family photo to prove that the moment happened, but oh, I almost forgot. I told you I would tell you about family photos.

[00:26:13] My husband’s so sweet. haven’t had family photos since my son was born and he was I think a week old and. He’s now over two, like two and some change, and he looks a lot different. Newborns and toddlers look very different.

[00:26:28] I realized there weren’t really any photos in the house, like printed photos of him as he is today, I. Was espousing to the room whenever I would notice that, gosh, we really should get a couple more photos of Luca. Gosh, we haven’t had photos of us.

[00:26:44] And every time I see people who take really cute family photos, I feel equal fomo. And then also try to convince myself that’s not what I do. And so I want it, but I try to convince myself I don’t want it. It’s a whole thing, but we did it. And it will be one of those things that I will, I’m sure love the photos, but the experience of having the photos taken when you have one child who has a six 30 bedtime, another child who has a seven 30 ish bedtime, and it starts to get dark at six 30, but the sunset is happening at like five till six or something.

[00:27:22] you can just feel the pressure mounting. And of course we’re all dressed in ways that we don’t normally dress. and, we’re, just trying to force those smiles and it was the most chaotic 20 minutes. it resulted in, my photographer was a genius, but it resulted in us getting ice cream, which I know sugar right before bed.

[00:27:45] But, it resulted in ice cream because we got through 15 minutes that felt like wrestling a tiger with my son. and then it resulted in us sitting at a fountain in October eating ice cream as the children would normally be getting ready for bed.

[00:28:02] and so there’ll be a lot of photos I think, of us eating ice cream. And the ice cream got all over their cute picture outfits it didn’t shave a lot of time off my life, but I do think it shaved like an afternoon. It shaved an afternoon in my future off my life. ’cause it was, in some ways adorable and other ways, really, really stressful and all that to say, I don’t know how people do that all the time.

[00:28:24] And maybe we made it harder on ourselves than we need to be. There might be some tricks that I just don’t know. but it was a lot. And I can’t wait to show you all the photos because, I’m sure they’re gonna look great, but just know behind, the veneer there was a mom losing her mind.

[00:28:38] So that was the story. If this episode helped, I hope that you share it with a friend. The best things in life are shared. this community is all about bridging the gap between knowing what to do and acting on what we know. Trusting that our feelings have information for us to learn, and that approaching big feelings is possible because it is possible.

[00:28:58] Our emotions have lessons. For us, it’s our internal compass, and they don’t lie, but interpreting them can be confusing and you don’t have to be alone when you do that. And so that’s what we are doing here, and don’t cut your own bangs. I’m Danielle Ireland. Thank you so much for listening. I cannot wait for you to hear the next couple episodes we’ve got coming up.

[00:29:17] I’ve been editing some really good ones. more to come. The best is yet to come, but thank you so much for being here and I hope that you continue to have a wonderful day.

[00:29:26] ​