The Invisible Mental Load of Motherhood (Why It’s So Draining)

Hello, hello. This is Danielle Ireland, and you are catching a solo cast of Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs, the remedy to comparison and feeling like everyone has life figured out but you. I’m sitting in my comfy chair with my notes ready, lavender tea in hand, and we’re going to have a really good talk.

For the next five solo casts, you and I are diving into a miniseries I’ve devoted to helping reduce stress called Put Down the Panic: A Guide to Stress. I believe you—yes, you—deserve calm without having to earn it. This theme has been coming up so often in my sessions lately that I first thought about creating one big, robust episode. But the more I sat with the material, the more I realized we needed time. I want to give this topic the attention it deserves because I’m facing it, my clients are facing it, and my hope is that this can be a meaningful way for us to go deep while also making stress feel tangible, digestible, and a little lighter. Because stress is a big one. And sometimes even talking about stress can activate stress.

When I set out to write a book, I knew two things: I wanted to make big feelings feel less scary and more approachable, and I wanted to bring some lightness to them. What I know to be true as a therapist is that emotions are energy in motion. They have information to give us that helps guide the next right step. Fear, anxiety, and self-doubt live in that space between knowing and not knowing. The second thing I knew was that I wanted to have fun in the process. The result was Wrestling a Walrus for Little People with Big Feelings, a beautifully illustrated children’s book with a glossary of big feeling words. It’s designed to create context for the relationships you can’t change and the things in life that are hard but beyond your control. It’s a conversation starter for the little ones in your life who need safety, love, and patience for their experiences. You can find it on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or my website. I love this little book and can’t wait to hear your experience with it.

Today we’re diving into a kind of exhaustion most of us carry but rarely name: the invisible mental load. It’s the constant background buzz of remembering, planning, checking, worrying, and ruminating—all the places our mind goes even when it seems like nothing big is happening. If you’ve ever wondered, “Why am I so tired at the end of the day when I don’t even know what I’ve done?” this episode is for you. We’re going to shine a light on the hidden weight you’re carrying, talk about how to spot what’s draining you, and explore small, doable shifts to help you feel lighter—hopefully right away, but certainly in time. These are things I use myself and recommend to my therapy clients.

If you’ve ever felt exhausted without doing something “big,” this is probably why. We move through our days on autopilot, reacting and responding: waking up to an alarm or a child’s cries, diving into emails, answering requests, making meals, running errands, checking lists. It’s so easy to wake up already in response mode—“Who needs me? What problem do I need to solve next?” Before you know it, momentum has carried you through the day and you’re completely drained.

I’ve often described it as feeling like your brain is a helium balloon, floating away while your body is just the little plastic weight keeping it tethered. What we need is a way to bring the two back together. One practice that helps me is something I call the one-minute reset. I’ll set a timer and, for one minute, I do nothing. I just sit, breathe, and notice. It may sound comically simple, but an intentional minute feels expansive. It slows down time in a way that half an hour of scrolling never will. That little pause brings me back into my body and out of the swirl of mental load.

The truth is we can’t remove every responsibility. We’ll always have emails, kids, chores, and tasks. But the root of our exhaustion isn’t just the work—it’s the chasing. That sense of “if I just get it all done, then I can rest.” But the “rest” that happens after burnout isn’t true rest. It’s collapsing. Real rest and replenishment come from catching ourselves before that point—adding buffers, brain breaks, little one-minute pauses to ground back into the present.

I also pay attention to my body’s cues as information. A recent example: after my kids started preschool and daycare, they came home with a long supply list. As soon as I saw it, I felt a heavy weight on my chest and a twisting in my gut. Those were signals. I didn’t have the fuel to think through that list. Instead of forcing it, I asked my husband if he could handle it. He said yes. Not every ask works out so smoothly, but often it does. And almost never does the story we tell ourselves about asking for help turn out to be true.

When it comes to communicating needs, I always come back to truth and kindness. For example, “Hey babe, I’m hitting a major wall. This list is making my chest feel tight. Do you have the capacity to take this on?” That’s it. No defensiveness, no building a case, just the truth expressed with kindness. The truth sets you free, and when it’s spoken kindly, it doesn’t have to be cruel or heavy—it can actually feel warm.

I want to leave you with three small shifts you can try today: take a one-minute break and check in with yourself like you would with a child; speak your truth kindly, even if it comes out imperfectly; and do one kind thing for yourself, whether it’s rest, movement, or tea. These small shifts may seem insignificant, but over time they add up to real change.

If you’ve been carrying the invisible mental load, I hope this conversation helps you see it’s not your fault. You’re not alone. It’s not all in your head. A small reset, delegating a task, writing something down, giving yourself compassion—these can feel like dropping a 50-pound weight. You don’t have to do more to deserve a break. Calm isn’t something you earn. It’s something you can invite into your life one tiny shift at a time.

Thank you for listening to this miniseries of Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs: Put Down the Panic. Your time and attention mean the world to me. Before you hop off, check out the show notes, rate and review the podcast, and subscribe so new episodes find you automatically. Thank you for being here, and I hope you continue to have a wonderful day.