How To Unlock the Power of Self-Validation and Build Self-Trust from the Inside Out

Through my experience as a therapist, a mom, and a fellow human navigating plenty of “big feelings,” I’ve learned what self-validation actually looks like, how to practice it every day, and why it’s one of the most essential emotional tools for regulating my inner world.

If you’ve ever struggled with overthinking, self-doubt, or trying to “logic” your way out of hard emotions, this one’s for you.

What Is Self-Validation (and Why It Matters)

Simply put, self-validation is the act of naming your own experience — without judgment or dismissal.

When we validate others, we say things like: “I can see that you’re upset, and that makes sense.”

When we validate ourselves, it sounds more like…

“This is hard for me.”

“I feel disappointed right now.”

“I wish this were easier.”

By acknowledging the truth of what you’re feeling, you give your nervous system permission to settle. You’re not sugar-coating it or pretending everything’s fine. You’re simply letting the truth exist — and that honesty is deeply regulating.

Self-Validation vs. Invalidation

Danielle explains how we’ve all been on the receiving end of invalidating messages:

“You’re overreacting.”

“Calm down.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

Those words teach us to question our own experience. Over time, that self-doubt becomes a reflex — and it chips away at self-trust.

The antidote? Learning to recognize that your feelings make sense, even if they’re inconvenient.

Validation doesn’t mean you agree with everything you feel — it just means you’re willing to tell yourself the truth.

How to Practice Self-Validation in Real Life

One of the simplest ways to practice self-validation is to start small. Danielle shares a story about her four-year-old daughter having a meltdown over a popsicle before nap time.

While her daughter’s emotions were big and loud, Danielle’s role was to acknowledge both truths in the room:

Her daughter wanted something she couldn’t have (a popsicle).
Danielle wanted peace, but knew it was time for rest.

“I can honor that this is hard for both of us. You’re upset, and I’m frustrated too.”

By identifying both realities without blame, Danielle was able to regulate herself — and model emotional safety in the process.

That’s the foundation of building self-trust: learning to hold space for your own truth, even when it’s messy.

Key Takeaways

Name Your Experience: “Validating the self, simply put, is naming your experience.” Sounds simple in theory, but can be more challenging in practice, especially if we don’t LIKE what’s happening. We often get stuck fixating on what the situation should be vs what it is.
Understand the Truth: Self-validation is not about false positivity or minimizing your experience. When you say, “I feel lost,” or “I don’t know what to do,” you ground your inner dialogue to what’s real and known by you. Remember, “Your body responds to truth.”
Questions to Avoid: When anxiety strikes, avoid asking questions like “Why did this happen?” These are usually unanswerable and can spiral into more anxiety. Instead, focus on affirming statements about what you know.

Self-validation is all about recognizing and internalizing your experiences. It’s like saying, “I see you, and I hear you” to yourself.

Quotes to Remember

Self-validation is the practice of naming your truth — not fixing it.

Truth regulates the nervous system. Denial activates anxiety.

“Why” questions increase fear. “What’s true right now?” builds calm.

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DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW

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How to Validate Yourself (and Finally Calm Self-Doubt) – Full Episode Transcript

Hello, hello! This is Danielle Ireland, and you’re listening to Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs.

Today, I’m coming at you with a tasty little treat — a quick solo cast all about validating the self. This is a practice you can do anywhere — in your mind, in a journal, or even while you’re driving or walking. It’s one of my favorite tools for regulating the nervous system and calming the chatter of self-doubt.

We’re going to talk about what validation is, what it’s not, and how you can start practicing it in your everyday life. This idea came out of a really powerful therapy session I had this week, and as soon as I signed off the call, my first thought was: Oh dang, I need to share this.

What Validation Is (and Isn’t)

Simply put, validation is naming your experience.

If we were talking about it in terms of relationships, validation might sound like:

“I see the reality of your experience. I honor that as true for you.”

For example, with my four-year-old daughter — let’s say she really wants a popsicle, and I’m telling her it’s nap time instead. I might say:

“You really want a popsicle right now, and I can see how hard it is to hear no.”

That’s validation. I’m acknowledging that she’s having an emotional experience that’s different from mine — even though we’re in the same room, breathing the same air.

Now, invalidation is the opposite. It sounds like:

“You’re being dramatic.”
“Calm down.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”

We’ve all heard things like that before — maybe we’ve even said them ourselves. And when we hear them enough, we start to question our own reality.

Validation, on the other hand, says:

“This is your truth, and I can hold space for it.”

Practicing Self-Validation

So, how do you practice that with yourself?

Let’s go back to that popsicle example. My daughter is upset. She’s saying she doesn’t want a nap, she’s not tired, she just wants her treat.

Here’s what’s true for me in that moment:
It’s 12:30, nap time was at noon. I’ve seen her rubbing her eyes. I know she’s tired. I also know that if she doesn’t nap, we’re both going to pay for it later.

I’m frustrated too — I don’t want to deal with a tantrum. What I want is to give her what she wants and then go read my book in peace. But I know what she needs more than what she wants.

So I take a breath and say to myself:

“This is hard for both of us. You’re doing what you know is right. You’re doing your best.”

When I do that, I can literally feel my body settle — sometimes it feels like tingles in my legs. My breath slows. My mind clears.

That’s self-validation in action.

A Real-Life Example from a Client Session

This idea actually came from a client who recently made a really big life decision — one that completely changed her family dynamic.

She was standing at that fork in the road, taking her first few steps down a new path. She wasn’t far enough along to feel steady yet, and she could still see the “old road” next to her — the path she could have taken if she hadn’t made this change.

That space between the old and the new is where self-validation becomes essential.

Because in those moments, we want certainty. We want to know we did the right thing. But the truth is, we can’t know. And that uncertainty can make us spiral.

Our mind starts asking “why” questions:

“Why did this happen to me?”
“Why aren’t they calling me back?”
“Why can’t I just feel better?”

The problem is — those are questions you can’t answer. And when your brain chases something it can’t solve, anxiety rises.

Instead, try pausing and naming what’s true.

“This is hard.”
“I feel scared.”
“I don’t know what’s next.”

Even “I don’t know” is a truth. It’s not false hope or toxic positivity. It’s honest — and honesty calms the nervous system.

Once you’ve said “I don’t know,” you can ask yourself a gentler question:

“What do I know?”

What I know is, I can’t go back.
What I know is, I made the best decision I could.
What I know is, I’m still here.

That’s self-validation — naming what’s true, even when it’s uncertain.

Your Body Responds to Truth

Here’s a fun fact: lie detectors don’t actually detect lies — they detect stress. When we say something that isn’t true, our heart rate increases, our palms sweat, and our body reacts to the tension.

When we speak the truth, even a hard truth, our body relaxes. Our shoulders drop, our chest loosens, our breath steadies.

The truth might be uncomfortable, but it’s the right kind of hard.

That’s why validation — acknowledging your reality — is so powerful. It brings your body back to safety.

How to Try This Yourself

If there’s something weighing on your mind — a situation you keep replaying or a conversation that lingers — try this:

Grab your journal or open a voice memo on your phone.
Take a breath.
Ask yourself: “What’s true for me about this?”

If the answer is “I don’t know,” start there.
Then ask: “What do I know?”

You’ll find an answer. It might be small, but it will be real — and that truth will help you breathe again.

Closing Thoughts

When I set out to write my book, Wrestling a Walrus: For Little People with Big Feelings, I wanted to make big feelings feel less scary and more approachable.

Because emotions are energy in motion. They’re not problems to fix — they’re messages to listen to.

Self-validation is how we listen.
And the more we practice it, the more we build self-trust — one truth at a time.

Danielle:

Thank you so much for joining me for this little nugget episode of Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs.

Your time and attention mean the world to me. I’d love to hear your thoughts — what did you think of this idea? What questions do you have about practicing self-validation?

Let’s keep the conversation going. And before you hop off, check the show notes for links to my resources — including my Treasured Journal and Wrestling a Walrus, available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and my website.

Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast. It helps this work reach others who might need it.

Thank you for being here — truly. Wishing you a calm heart and a beautiful day.