Welcome back and thank you for joining Juanita Molano Parra and me as we examine what comes up, what opens up, and what becomes available when we hold big ideas, big feelings, and big problems a little more lightly. This is an approach to well-being that begins with a question and often leads to other questions. But, if the answers can help us loosen our grip on those big scary things, then it becomes a bit easier to ride the turbulent emotional waves.
This episode in our series introduces the question, “what if I fail?” We explore why the concept of failure is hard and what gets in the way of healthy processing. We also offer real-life examples to provide context. Here are a few observations from our discussion:
Facing fear of failure is easier when you’re not facing it alone because it can create a new intentionality or a new framework for moving forward.
Self sabotage can deceptively take the form of something worthwhile.
Changing expectations can change fear levels and create more room to fail.
Can judgment provide meaning?
When we have a death grip on the big things, it can be helpful to speak them aloud.
Thank you for listening! Join us again next time for the second part of our deep dive into “what if I fail?”
*Episode’s transcript is also provided below.*
THE TREASURED JOURNAL
Getting your thoughts out of your head and down on the page is a simple act that can change your life. The questions, prompts, and sentence stems in the journal will help you explore the big feelings in your life. Learn more at https://danielleireland.com/journal.
JUANITA MOLANO PARRA, MBA, PCC
Juanita is an engineer and MBA turned certified life and leadership coach. Originally from Colombia, she worked in multinational corporate finance and later started her own coaching business—training new coaches and partnering with organizations to transform culture and leadership from within. Her business, Jump Coaching, helps leaders live authentically, lead with purpose, and turn their dreams into reality. Juanita lives in Indianapolis with her husband, their daughter, and two cats.
Jump Coaching – www.jumpcoaching.co
Jump Start newsletter – https://www.jumpcoaching.co/newsletter
LinkedIn – https://www.linkedin.com/in/juanitamp/
Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/jumpcoaching.co/
Email – ju*****@ju**********.co
DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW
Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you’d like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below.
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Ep. 162 Transcript
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Danielle Ireland and Juanita Molano Parra discuss emotional well being
Danielle Ireland: Hello hello, this is Danielle Ireland and you are listening to don’t cut your own bangs, the miniseries Riding the Wave where me and my dear friend and coach Juanita Molano Parra explore what comes up opens up, becomes available when we hold big ideas, big feelings or big problems a little bit more lightly. And I originally became interested in exploring this topic and this approach to emotional well being because I wanted to feel less scared and less alone and less confused. Who doesn’t want those things? And so when I’m holding the hands of a dear friend or a mentor or someone is walking alongside me in these vulnerable scares, scary and sticky feelings, I instantly feel better. So that is why Juanita is sitting next to me now and she’s joining me in this process because one, she’s got her own beautiful qualifications, but she’s also just a beautiful person and she’s a friend. So together we’re going to walk this path and continue on from where we left off last time. So so far, if you’re catching up with us, we started with where do I start? Then we moved into what should I do? And now we’re going to do break into two parts. What if I fail? What if I fail? Is the question of the day. And what we’re going to cover with regard to this topic is we’re going to name the topic, we’re going to explore why it’s hard, what gets in the way, and then where we or clients have experienced these same things too to give you real context and then what happens or what becomes available when we approach it in this new way. Welcome Juanita.
Juanita: Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
I think asking you to do this with me helped me feel less scared
I really love the introduction because what I was thinking as you were starting the introduction was about this project and I just got really present to how not scared I have been not scared of failing. Like, I don’t know. I just got present that. That hadn’t been in my space. Like, what if this fails? What if this series fails? Like that? I don’t know. It just hasn’t been there. And I was wondering why. And I think there’s two pieces, but one is what you were putting in of, like, we’re doing this together. Like, I’m not going to something on my own, but we’re. We’re walking it together. Like, each of the times that we’ve sat to record, we’ve connected before, we’ve talked about things, we’ve kind of like, gotten into, I don’t know how to say this, like, into a groove of it. And we’ve gotten to like, connect to different things because we’re talking about it together. And so it’s just given it like a very different experience than if I had done it on my own.
Danielle Ireland: Yeah, absolutely. And I wonder too. And, I don’t think this was conscious on my part, but I think I’m kind of like going back to when having my babies. Like when I had Logan three and a half years ago. I think that there was this push or this drive that I was infusing into any project I took on where I almost needed to prove to myself that I could still do things. I think I was afraid. I wasn’t. I wasn’t fully in touch with it, but I was afraid. Afraid of losing my relationship to ambition or sort of losing touch with work or losing that part of myself. I was afraid. I, was probably just afraid of losing myself to this new identity as mother. And again, I don’t think I was aware of it. This is three and a half years in hindsight, but I think that was definitely infusing some of the choices I was making and how much I was taking on and what I was trying to create and push, push, push, push, push. And with Luke, when he was born just a little over a year ago, I think I let myself sit in a different season of a different layer of motherhood. And it wasn’t until. Goodness. When he. It wasn’t until maybe just a couple months ago. I’m trying to think when I reached out to you initially, maybe in July and his birthday was in August, I.
Juanita: Kind of lost it somewhere in the summer. Yeah.
Danielle Ireland: Yeah. But I. What I was probably reaching for again, I don’t think I realized it until we were talking about it just now, but I think I was starting to get that spark of desire to create again. But I had not done it in so long that I was afraid I’d forgotten how. And maybe it just. Like I was just. Or just afraid. I don’t even know if there. I don’t think I could have. I didn’t, know how to articulate it then, but I think I was just afraid to do it. So asking you to do this with me helped me feel less scared and less alone. So thank you for that. I didn’t. I didn’t. I wasn’t present with that intention in me until just now. But I think that that, like, to bring it into what if I fail? I think it’s a win. The experience of doing this with you, regardless of the outcome, like, this is already a win. Like what we’re talking about looking for. And I think sometimes, and I wish it maybe weren’t this way, but having a reason to meet with you that wasn’t just about grabbing lunch or coffee, like having something that we were creating together. There’s something about the act of creation that also. It creates a little bit more intentionality. It creates a little bit more energy. And so we’re approaching this differently than we would if it was just to hang out. Not that hanging out isn’t also lovely.
Juanita: Yeah.
Danielle Ireland: But I think it took failure off the table because it was. This is already a win.
Juanita: Yeah. Yeah.
You create a yes space when you invite someone to play
And I think the other thing that I was thinking about, that now kind of connects with that is. The word that came to my mind early was like, that this. There was a container for this M. And so I work really well in containers. Like, I’m someone that needs some sort of structure, boundaries, like a container to play. So in a way that. The way that you frame the invitation and the way that you’ve, like, hosted me, in a way, it’s like you’ve had the playground all set up for us to play. M. And in that sense, like, that’s taken a lot of the what if I fail? Fear out of me. Or it’s like, because I know kind of like, what. Where I’m playing. It’s like with kids, when you create a yes space. Like when kids start moving and stuff, you want to create a yes space so, like, they can do whatever they want there. They’re safe. You created a yes space for this.
Danielle Ireland: Is that Montessori language? I love that language, but I’ve never heard of it before.
Juanita: Yeah, I read it in a Montessori book. I don’t know. I think I’ve seen it in other places, but I think it is a Montessori thing. But so it’s like when kids start to crawl and move around in the adult world, there’s a lot of things that are not great, like plots, sharp, corners, that kind of thing. So if I were to leave my little one alone in a room, not doing anything to it, there’s probably a lot of things that are not safe. It doesn’t mean like, baby proving everything and there’s no danger. It just means like, moving things around and bringing things of her and that kind of thing. So it’s a yes space. Like everything there, it’s yes. It’s not like, no, don’t go there. No, be careful. No, no, no, they’re not that, that kind of thing. So it’s a yes space.
Danielle Ireland: I feel like I’m going to revisit this language of a, yes space a lot because I think creatively or professionally, freedom is a core value of mine. And of course, I think how, how we define those things can all be a little differently. But when I feel too scheduled or over packed with schedule in my calendar that feels too tight, that’s definitely like a no space. These are things that are unsafe to touch because there’s lots of. There’s not as much room for me to breathe and recharge in between. But I wonder too, if this is also connected to failure. If I’m constantly expected places, there’s more opportunities like the pleaser in me because failure for me, I think failure in a lot of ways, particularly relationships, is not being liked or disappointing someone. So if I’m constantly expected to show up, then I now am carrying an expectation and a weight to not disappoint. I’m displeasing someone. Yeah, I’m thinking about this.
I just got back from this anniversary trip from Switzerland with my husband
I just got back from this anniversary trip from Switzerland with David, my husband. And it was lovely and beautiful and extraordinary and so many great things. One of David’s qualities, I’m kind of laughing, but one of his. His personality is definitely, He’s a more of a maximizer than I am. Like I could sit at a cafe and nibble like a little mouse on a croissant until, like all the crumbs are off the plate and just watch people go by. And he. Not that he doesn’t appreciate those moments as well, but I can be totally at peace being there and not knowing where we’re coming, where we’re coming or going. And he. There’s this feeling of we’re here. And I’m sure a lot of people are not long in agreement with him as I Describe this. Like, when we’re at a place, there’s things to see, things to do. We made it all the way here. Like, we’ve got to, like, make the most of the time and go, go, go. And so it’s been a balance. And I will appl him if he ever listens to this episode. I want to give him all the credit. He planned this trip so lovingly, keeping both of our desires in mind. It was. There was a beautiful balance of both things. So, yes, bravo to David. Like, you did a beautiful job. If you were listening. If you’re not listening, then you’ll never know that I gave you the credit. So. But, I think when. When there were is particularly, like, if I was, like, really struggling with jet lag or if there was a thing coming up that I knew mattered a great deal to him. That lingering appointment, not knowing if I’d be able to show up at all or in a way that I know he would want me to. In his mind, like, there’s an. I don’t want to say an expectation, but there’s an attachment to how he wants that experience to go. And if I can’t meet or even exceed, like, not only my pleaser, but my perfectionist could take over, then I’m failing. so I think having nothing on my calendar or having kind of like lifting my hands to any plans, if there’s no expectation, then I can’t fail. But that’s also. It’s hard to move through the world without having anything to do. But I think that that’s. There’s something about that relationship with my finding where I function best, between under functioning or over functioning for fear of failing.
Juanita: Yeah, that to me, resonates a lot, but more in the realm of, I would say, like, of creation or in the realm of work, where I definitely get paralyzed by fear, where it’s like, well, if I don’t start creating anything, then there’s nothing to fail because there’s nothing that started. If I don’t start a project, then it won’t fail because it just never started. And I think in my previous, like, I think the first part of my career, that was a lot more structured. It was corporate, it was finance. Like, there is a lot of structure. Things happen the last day of the month, the first day of the month, the second day of the month, this happens. Then you close the books, then you do the report, and then you start over, which is great because you know where it goes. Like, what do you have to do where you have to be each time. Working as a solopreneur is very different because then you have to make your own schedule, you have to make your own project, you have to make your own tasks. And I find that that’s for me where the constant question, conscious and very much unconscious of what if I fail? Comes up. There’s a lot of perfectionism and just like doing things extremely well, God knows by whose standards. But yeah, I just. And so I, I was thinking about my schedule and I actually like, somehow keep my schedule really busy with people because then I don’t have to put in the time. I just don’t have time to start this project. I just don’t have time to write this thing because I’m just meeting people and it is important. Like meeting humans is part of my work and my life too. But it just, that feels much easier for me than sitting and doing work or like getting space to create or anything like that.
What do you perceive as failure and vulnerability when working on a podcast
Danielle Ireland: Something that occurred to me as you were talking is I think there’s. There’s a relationship for how. What I perceive as failure and vulnerability because in thinking about like my travel time schedule example from a second ago, being in relationship with someone or wanting to not let somebody down, there is this element of vulnerability. And when you were just talking about like professional, like a professional application for this question of what if I fail? I can think of a specific example that actually came out of a conversation I was having with David on this trip with regard to the podcast. About a year ago, the podcast was getting a lot of momentum. I was posting an episode a week. I was just trying to see if I really applied a little bit more gas to the process, where could it go? And it was starting to grow, seeming like some of it was within my awareness and some of it was not. I’m actually looking at like ah, it was named in like ah, a local magazine here. And that was really fun and exciting and people were catching awareness. Well, I had a few emails come through my inbox inquiring about like creating paid ads. And I, for whatever reason, like, I never really imagined this podcast failing. But I don’t think I had any expectation of it or any pressure on it to be anything other than just a creative exercise. And when I was essentially given an invitation to like, do you want this to make some money? And anyone listening, if you’re, if you’re going to judge this, just know I’ve already judged it a thousand times over. Do you want this to also make money? And I froze. I either didn’t reply Like, I kind of like, I don’t know if I self sabotage, but it was like I was. It’s like someone eating on a paper plate and then someone handled me like a crystal plate. And it’s like I just like went and I just dropped it. It’s like, even though it’s still just a plate, there was something about.
Juanita: Did you drop it or were you afraid it was going to break? Because I was working with paper and from paper to crystal.
Danielle Ireland: I was afraid. Yeah. I was afraid that, oh, I’m, now I would have an expectation to show up. There would then be an expectation that I hadn’t had before bringing it. Like, oh, so now there’s room to fail. What if I make this ad and this is. Oh, God. I’m feeling like. I’m feeling this, like, drop of dread in my gut thinking about it. Because I’m remembering the feeling now of why I sort of ignored. I didn’t sort of why I ignored the requests. If I created ads for companies that they paid me for and they got nothing from it, then I would be fraudulent. It really. Wow. Whoa. Sorry. I’m like, I’m definitely processing this in real time. That I would be fraudulent and unworthy. And it reminds me, it’s interesting that the angle of the room I’m facing because I’m also seeing my therapy degree hanging on the wall. I had a very similar feeling for about the first six months to a year. It was very present with me the first six months. And I haven’t felt it in a long, long time when it comes to therapy. But this sense that the first six.
Juanita: Months of being a therapist.
Danielle Ireland: Yeah, that the people that were coming to see me didn’t know that I didn’t belong there and that somehow they would discover it or uncover this. This truth, this ruse that we were all playing and that, like, the therapy police would come and, like, rip my degree off the wall and like, you don’t belong here. You’re not smart and cool like us. You don’t have the leather suede patches on your elbows. You’re not wearing the right, you know, bespectacled glasses. Like, it’s just. This isn’t your club, kid. And, thankfully I don’t feel that way with regard to being a therapist anymore. But I think with my podcast, it was like, it would, I guess it would be like thinking about, like, talking about, like, a container to play. It’s like someone. You’re just finger painting for fun, and then someone sees your finger painting and it’s like, oh, do you want to, like, have an exhibit where people can come and judge it? And you’re like, like, I was just finger painting for fun. And I think that’s how I have felt. So, yeah, go ahead.
Juanita: I think the word you use there, like, the judging, I think that’s where a lot, like, that’s the seed for a lot of. It’s when there’s an expectation that comes in, there’s the judging of the outcome and the making meaning of it. So, like, I’m thinking of when I start a project I have, I realize I want to be, like, really broad because it does feel like. I think talking about failure and just like, fearing failure feels very vulnerable because it also feels very real. And it doesn’t for me. It’s not something. I mean, I don’t think for anyone, but it’s not something that I’m like. And now I’ve mastered this. And. And so, yeah, I think I stumbled on that because the reality is, it’s. There’s a really big project that I am starting and that I’ve been dreaming of, and then there’s this expectation that I put in about how successful it has to be in terms of people and money and all of those things, and how if it doesn’t get that, then I am a, terrible coach, a terrible business owner. I’m an irresponsible woman. Just all of this, all of these meanings. And so then, like, failure becomes like a, really big neon light that just. It’s blinding. It can be blinding. It isn’t, but it can be. And so I think what, I’m present is like, just looking at this. This piece of the expectations that come in and then the making meaning, or the meaning I make of those as a really big thing that ends up, putting so much weight on that wifi fail.
Once you speak it aloud, it becomes lighter, I’ve found
Danielle Ireland: Thank you so much for sharing that. And I, as you were talking, it made me think also about going back to this concept of, you know, kind of what this whole miniseries is about is what happens if you hold it lightly. What I have found. I was so judging myself so harshly for not responding to those requests I got last year for sponsorship, because who would turn away an opportunity to make money? Like, that’s what’s in my head. And like, that must mean I’m not a, savvy businesswoman or I’m not ambitious, or I, you know, I don’t have goals like it. I. There was like, all kinds of. All kinds of head trash that came up with that but what I realized coming off this trip and sharing, sharing that experience with David and then even talking about it now, I think the. I’m going to skip way, way ahead. I think one of the ways that ideas that we hold tightly and we have a death grip on, one of the ways that we. More. What you can access, holding them more lightly is by speaking them aloud.
Danielle Ireland: Because I think the fear is if they’ve spoken aloud, they’re going to come true. But the reality is that speaking them aloud, you either see if what elements there are that are true, the next right step may become more clear or available, or if you’re sharing this with another human, they may be able to access support in a way that you don’t know because they’re outside of your fear or. And this was happened to be the case for me both with the podcast and the idea of sponsorship. And then I’m even having, a flashback to being on our honeymoon 10 years ago when I said out loud while we were sunbathing that I think I want to become a therapist. Once you speak it aloud, it becomes lighter. The thing that I was so afraid of being true, once I say it out loud, it almost lets me hear like, oh, well, that’s kind of silly and not in a judgmental way. It’s almost like, oh, like, sweetheart. It’s almost like I’m imagining, my little girl. Like, you know, she’s afraid of the dark and like, oh, sweetheart, like, let’s look under the bed together. It’s like that’s. There’s something about the thing that I was so afraid of being true of me when I say it out loud, it either is, and there’s maybe some support I can have or that’s accessible to me, or it’s not. And it’s almost kind of funny, I.
Juanita: Think, all those pieces and like saying it out loud and saying the things that we’re afraid of out loud too, but both things, because I think to me, the idea of, like, saying the thing alone is terrifying. And I think if I were to only say that, I would keep this intense rumination going.
We were talking earlier and we were kind of talking about fear. And you’re like, yeah, because fear never makes sense
We were talking earlier and we were kind of talking about fear. And you’re like, yeah, because fear never makes sense. It doesn’t. And it does. Like, in my head, it always does. Not always, but like most of the times where I like, of course. But then once spoken out loud, that’s when you kind of like, see the gaps or like, the things that don’t fully compute. Something cannot be, like, up and down at the same time kind of thing.
Danielle Ireland: So it doesn’t make sense when, until it does, it’s like you’re on a walk and a deer is in your vicinity and it senses you and you’re not a threat because you’re not the hunter with a gun. So its fear doesn’t necessarily make sense for the situations that it’s in because you’re just a silent observer on a walk. And then until that fear does make sense, when it’s out in the wrong field at the wrong time and someone’s, you know, it’s. So I think that sense of vigilance or hypervigilance, of if every thread of every twig snap or rustle in the trees or weird scent in the wind is a threat of danger, then staying stuck and doing nothing makes sense. Sharing it aloud, it takes some of the pressure off of me because I’m not carrying it alone. And then when it’s not true, it’s like, oh, I thought you were a threat and you’re just, you know, walking your dog. Hahaha. That, that’s when I think it becomes funny. But I, you know, if I’m just constantly, silently carrying the fear that every threat is a hunter, then I’m never going to talk about it. And I think that that is the, the risk, but also the value of if you allow yourself to hold that story a little more lightly, lightly enough to express the fear. If it’s true, then there’s something to do. Because like, if it’s true and you’re afraid, there’s generally like an action plan, there’s a step you can take that’s.
Juanita: Like a whole thing that we can explore where it’s like sometimes people are like, oh, what are you afraid of? And you’re not going to fail, it’s.
Danielle Ireland: Going to be fine.
Juanita: It’s like, no, like you might. It’s actually looking at all the pieces, the way you’re putting it in, which is like, yeah, you’re afraid of these things. Well, let’s look at it together, really. Maybe it’s a hunter, so let’s just run. Right, Right.
Danielle Ireland: Or there’s something to do.
Juanita: Maybe not. And maybe this human, like you don’t like that they’re staring at you every time. So let’s also talk about that. Right. So just like there may be different things to look at that we can look in terms of. Like, well, what if, like actually like, what if I fail? Like, what do we do? What are some conversations we can have? You mentioned support, you mentioned resources, you mentioned options. I think all of those things are some things that we can, that we can take a look at.
Danielle Ireland: I think what we’re going to do is we’re going to wind down for this half of this two part question, what if I fail Part one. And we’ll explore those resources that Juanita just laid out as well as look at the question, what if I fail through the lens of why it’s hard, what gets in the way, where have we experienced it and what becomes available when we hold it more lightly. All of those we have touched on conversationally. But I think creating just a little bit of like, creating some beats and orders of like, okay, we’re going to review it this, we’re going to review this, we’re going to review this as well as what are the resources that you can do to actually support you in that. So yeah, that was really beautiful.
Please remember to rate, review and subscribe to this podcast
Thank you all for listening to part one of what if I Fail? And we will catch you next week in part two where we continue this conversation.
Speaker D: I hope you are enjoying this miniseries.
Danielle Ireland: As much as I have been enjoying making it.
Speaker D: As always, your time and your attention here means the world to me. With that in mind, please remember to rate, review and subscribe to this podcast. The more engagement we have, it actually helps us in the podcast sphere and the interwebs. However, however podcasts are found, the more it’s engaged with, the more easily we are found by others who can benefit from this message too.
Danielle Ireland: And Juanita and I want to know.
Speaker D: Do you have questions? Do you have comments? Do you have concerns? Do you have compliments? I will never turn down a good compliment, but feedback of any kind is helpful. So please remember that you can find all of our contact information in the show notes if you want to hit us up directly. Or you can always in the comments in the podcast section, wherever you’re listening, you can leave a comment, you can leave a question there. And we will do our best to fold in our responses to those in the podcast as close to in real.
Danielle Ireland: Time as we reasonably can.
Speaker D: So thank you for listening. Thank you for taking time out of your day. I hope it added some value. I know it did for me and I hope you continue to have a wonderful day.
