Invisible Mental Load + Relationship Problems

Relationship problems can feel so loud—like that’s the issue—when the quieter truth is this: you’re exhausted. And when you’re running on fumes, everything feels harder: communication, patience, decision-making, even asking for help. In this “Best Lessons of the Year” mashup episode of Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs, I pulled together two powerful clips: one on the invisible mental load and one on Support Languages—a simple framework (created by Jordan Arogeti and the team at Support Now) that helps you understand how people give support, how to “read the room,” and how to repair when you didn’t get it right the first time.

And yes—this is also about how to set boundaries, because you can’t nurture relationships if you’re silently carrying everything.

Relationship Problems & the Invisible Mental Load: How to Set Boundaries + Get Better Support — Feeling burnt out and stuck in relationship problems? Danielle Ireland shares how to set boundaries, lighten the invisible mental load, and use Support Languages to repair.

Relationship Problems and the Invisible Mental Load

The invisible mental load is that constant background hum: remembering, planning, anticipating, worrying, tracking, managing… all the things that never make it onto your calendar but somehow live in your brain rent-free.

And here’s the tricky part: the load doesn’t always look dramatic from the outside. You might be “doing fine” and still feel wrung out. That’s why relationship problems often intensify here—because you’re not just reacting to the moment, you’re reacting from depletion.

One tiny tool I love: the one-minute pause.
It sounds almost laughably simple, but a present, intentional minute changes your nervous system more than you’d think. It’s short enough for an anxious brain to tolerate, but long enough to reconnect you to your body—where your truth actually lives.

Your body says “no” before your mouth does

One of the most practical questions from this episode is:

“Where does my body say no before my mouth does?”

Because your body gives cues first: tight chest, twisting stomach, heat, heaviness, tension. Those cues are data. And that data can help you make a boundary before you hit the breaking point.

How to Set Boundaries When You’re Carrying Too Much

A boundary doesn’t have to be a dramatic speech. Sometimes it’s simply naming the truth earlier.

Try these phrases and see how the feel to you:

“I don’t have the capacity for this today—can we problem-solve together?”
“I can do one part, not all of it.”
“I need you to fully own this task.”
“I want support, not advice right now.”

Notice how setting boundaries isn’t about controlling someone else—it’s about honoring your limits so resentment doesn’t start writing the storyline in your relationship.

Relationship Problems Improve When Support Gets Specific

This is where Jordan Arogeti’s work is so helpful. In our clip, she breaks down Support Languages—a framework designed to help people understand how they naturally give support (and how to contribute meaningfully even when they don’t know what to do). You can explore Support Now here: SupportNow supportnow.org and take the Support Languages assessment here: Support Languages supportlanguages.com.

What I love most is the reminder that support isn’t binary (all-in or nothing). Small support counts. A text counts. A meal counts. Showing up imperfectly counts.

Repair, repair, repair

Jordan says it plainly: there’s no expiration date on repair. If you didn’t show up well in the past, you can still circle back with honesty. Repair strengthens relationships because it says: I care more about you than my pride.

Links mentioned (full episodes from the clips)

Full episode (Invisible Mental Load clip): https://youtu.be/MFQhhSd1tdk
Full episode (Support Languages clip): https://youtu.be/qaWGCw1RE9E

A warm nudge before you go

If you’re dealing with relationship problems, please hear me: you’re not “too sensitive.” You’re not “bad at life.” You’re likely carrying too much—and your system is asking for support.

Key takeaways (save-worthy):

Relationship problems often worsen when the invisible mental load is high—and your body is your early warning system.
How to set boundaries can be simple, specific, and compassionate (no dramatic monologue required).
Support Languages help you ask for what you need—and help others show up with more confidence. supportlanguages.com+1
Repair is powerful: it’s never too late to come back and say, “I care, and I want to do better.”

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Like your favorite recipe or song, the best things in life are shared. When you rate, review, and subscribe to this podcast, your engagement helps me connect with other listeners just like you. Plus, subscriptions just make life easier for everybody. It’s one less thing for you to think about and you can easily keep up to date on everything that’s new. So, please rate, review, and subscribe today.

DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW

I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you’d like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below.

CONNECT WITH DANIELLE

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The Support You Need Is Here: The Podcast Transcript

Invisible Mental Load and Support Frameworks

[00:00:08] Danielle: Hello, hello, and welcome back to Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs: Countdown — Best Lessons of the Year. All December long, I’m pulling some of the most helpful, comforting — or for me, the “oh, that was the moment I needed again” moments — from the podcast and bringing them to you in these cozy, bite-sized mashup episodes.

[00:00:26] Today’s theme is one that I see come up over and over again in my practice and in my own life: the invisible mental load and the kind of support that actually helps. First, we’re going to revisit a solo episode where I talk about the low-key exhaustion that comes from constantly holding everything in your head — and tiny practices that can help you feel more grounded and less alone in your own life.

[00:00:48] Then we’ll dip into my conversation with Jordan Arogeti, co-founder of Support Now, where she breaks down Support Languages — a framework she did a TED Talk on — that helps us learn how to give support, show up thoughtfully, and if we don’t get it right the first time, how to repair.

[00:01:05] If you’re listening while wrapping gifts, doing dishes, or hiding from your to-do list in your car… that’s fine.

[00:01:11] I got you. You’re in the right place. Let’s do this.

[00:02:26] Danielle: Let’s start with the experience so many of us have — especially anyone who’s a caregiver — of feeling completely rung out by the end of the day, but you’re not totally sure why.

[00:02:46] In this solo episode, I talk about the invisible mental load. It’s something you’ve probably heard about a ton on social media, maybe read a couple articles about — but this offers more context and nuance: the constant background hum of remembering, planning, worrying, keeping everyone’s lives spinning, keeping the to-do list doing.

[00:03:06] And how simple one-minute pauses can actually bring you back into your body and out of survival mode.

[00:03:06] Here’s the clip.

[00:17:08] Danielle: I love the idea that your emotions are information. It’s not a character flaw. It’s not proof of failure. It’s data. It’s input.

[00:17:20] That moment wasn’t about being dramatic — your body is saying something. And it’s likely this: this is just too much.

[00:17:30] A couple quick questions you can ask yourself this week, in real time:

Where does my body say “no” before my mouth does?
What’s one tiny, one-degree shift I can make — like a one-minute pause — so I’m not collapsing by the end of the day, and I’m actually replenishing a little bit as I go?

[00:17:46] You don’t have to overhaul your whole life for this to matter.

[00:17:52] Believe me, it may sound overly simplistic, but a one-minute shift counts — because those one minutes add up over time, and you’re only ever living life one moment at a time.

[00:18:05] Tiny shifts count. They’re going to make a bigger impact in the long run than you think.

[00:18:10] And it’s the easiest thing for me personally to overlook — but it’s the reminder I need constantly. And when I actually listen to it, engage with it, and practice it, my life feels incrementally better.

[00:18:14] Danielle: Now, once you start noticing that your invisible mental load is impacting your mind, your body, your spirit — the next brave step is letting other people support you.

[00:18:24] And when you’re not the one in need, but you’re witnessing someone else struggle, learning how to support them too.

[00:18:31] That’s where Support Languages come in.

[00:18:36] In this next clip, I’m interviewing Jordan Arogeti. She co-founded Support Now and developed this framework with her team. It’s a way to understand your default support style — how you give, how you show up — how to read the room, and how to repair if and when you realize, “Oh… I didn’t show up the best way I could have.”

[00:18:57] Knowing what I know now, I wish I could go back and offer support in a different way. There’s no expiration date on repair — and we cover that in this conversation.

[00:19:10] So here’s a bit of that.

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[00:19:59] Visit the link in the show notes and bring more joy into your kitchen this season.

[00:31:15] Danielle: After listening back, what I loved about Jordan’s framework is that it gives us language for two really tender things:

“I can’t do this all alone.”
“There have been times I didn’t show up perfectly, but I still care.”

[00:31:33] And if you want to play around with this in real time, here are two very gentle invitations — take it or leave it.

[00:31:40] For yourself: think of one place in your life where your load could be invisible or visible — where it feels the heaviest. Maybe it’s filling out school forms, planning post-holiday logistics… or the holiday logistics… or emotional labor in a relationship.

[00:31:57] Then ask: What is one small, specific way someone else could support me?

[00:32:01] And maybe let one person in on that need.

[00:32:05] For someone you love: let one person cross your mind — the first name that pops up is probably right. Someone who’s gone through something hard, and maybe you look back wishing you could have shown up differently.

[00:32:16] Knowing what you know now about support — what could repair look like?

[00:32:22] Maybe it’s as simple as sending a text. Something like: “Hey, I’ve been thinking a lot about you and what you were going through. I just want you to know you’re in my thoughts, and I’m here.”

[00:32:30] You don’t have to fix everything. You don’t have to find the perfect words. Tiny, imperfect support still counts — and you’re allowed to receive it too.

[00:32:41] Danielle: Sometimes the hardest thing for me to remember is that it’s messy. I know that’s what this whole podcast is about — the mess of figuring things out, the mess of trying to hold our emotions.

[00:32:52] But when I’m the one in my own mess — when I feel like I’m making a mistake, or I recognize that I’ve made one in the past — that discomfort makes me want to run away from it.

[00:33:05] And being reminded that I’m not alone in it is sometimes the best form of encouragement for me to take one braver step forward.

[00:33:13] Thinking about where I’ve practiced this in real life… I remember the Christmas after my daughter was born.

[00:33:20] I love the holidays. I love creating holiday magic. But I was in postpartum pretty hard. A couple months after she was born, I was coming out of it and feeling better — more clarity, more support. My husband and I were in therapy. I felt stronger.

[00:33:39] And still — I could see what I was able to do before having a baby, versus the capacity I had with my baby.

[00:33:49] As we approached the holidays, I told my husband — lovingly but directly — that I was not going to do all the holiday shopping for everyone in our life.

[00:34:00] That didn’t mean he had to do it all. It meant he was going to help me with the list. And when I went out shopping, I needed him to come with me.

[00:34:08] He was my emotional support person. One, it would be more fun not to do it alone. But also, physically not being alone mattered — even if it didn’t change that there was still a lot I was executing.

[00:34:21] The need I identified was: the burden of not being the only one in it.

[00:34:26] That was what support looked like for me then. And in our own ways, we’ve carried that forward. Now it’s more “divide and conquer” and less “come with me.”

[00:34:36] But I remember that moment feeling really proud. It sounded simple, but it was powerful in practice.

[00:34:41] Danielle: As we wrap up this week of Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs: Countdown — Best Lessons of the Year, I hope what you’re taking away is this:

You’re not exhausted because you’re weak. You’re not exhausted and therefore need to push harder and drive yourself into the ground… and over-caffeinate.

[00:34:56] You’re exhausted because you’ve been carrying a lot — often silently — and you are absolutely allowed to set some of that load down and let somebody else carry a piece of it.

[00:35:10] Thank you for spending part of your day with me, especially in the hectic holiday season. I know how precious your time is — trust me.

[00:35:17] If this episode soothed something in you, brought you clarity or levity, please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. Or share it with somebody you love — because the best things in life are shared, especially this time of year.

[00:35:30] You deserve support. You deserve rest. And you definitely don’t have to earn either one.

[00:35:36] Thank you so much for being here, and I hope you continue to have an incredible day.