Trusting What You Know: Difficult Conversations
Trusting What You Know: Difficult Conversations
[00:00:00] Speaker 2: Have you ever had something you really wanted to say and then you just didn’t? You replay it in your head. You feel it in your body. You know you’re sitting on something important that something isn’t right, but when come face to face with the person who you need to say it too, it just doesn’t come out.
[00:00:19] You might hear yourself say something like, I don’t know. Uh, I don’t know if it’s that big a deal. I don’t know. I’m probably just overreacting. Then the real conversation that needs to happen never happens. And if you’re honest, you can probably think of something like that right now. Something you’ve been holding onto, a story you’ve been rehearsing or something that you just need to say that you haven’t said yet
[00:00:46] today. I wanna talk about that moment because it’s not actually about not knowing, and you are not the only one. Welcome back to Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs. The podcast that lives in the space between, I think I have it together. And why does this feel so much harder than it should?
[00:01:03] I am Danielle Ireland, a therapist, storyteller, and someone who has had plenty of conversations in my head that didn’t quite make it outta my mouth.
[00:01:11] And today we are talking about difficult conversations, important conversations, what they actually are, what we could be avoiding, and how to start trusting ourselves enough to say the thing out loud.
[00:01:24] What is, I don’t know. There is something I hear all the time in sessions, a client will share something incredibly painful, something that hurt them, or something that felt off and made them uncomfortable, or something that mattered. And almost immediately before they’ve taken their next breath, before they have finished the sentence, they’ll follow that up very quickly with, but I don’t know.
[00:01:46] It just felt weird, but I don’t know, or it, it kind of hurt my feelings, but I don’t know if that’s really what they meant or maybe I’m overthinking it. I don’t know. I mean, I, I just have so much going on and what I want to say in those moments is the problem is not that you don’t know, it’s that you don’t trust what you already know long enough or you’re not sitting with it long enough.
[00:02:12] To really understand what it’s telling you,
[00:02:15] this experience reminds me of somebody that I worked with for years as a therapy client who lived in, I don’t know, for a, a really, really long time, and it didn’t sound. As dramatic as maybe my intro made it sound, I don’t know if it’s bad enough. I don’t know if this is just what marriage is. I don’t know if I was expecting too much.
[00:02:34] I don’t know if I’m the problem, if they’re the problem. I don’t really even know what the problem is.
[00:02:39] This was a person who, by all accounts. Incredibly smart, I don’t know, was not a reflection of intelligence and was not a reflection of not really knowing so many of our sessions together were spent. I think knowing what I know now, it was a container that was safe enough and consistent enough for this person to say virtually the same thing.
[00:03:08] Long enough, repeatedly before, I don’t know, no longer ring true, there was a moment of recognition, these little blips of knowing and not knowing and knowing, and not knowing where I don’t know, was starting to represent something else, represent something bigger, and it was less, I don’t know, from a place of confusion and lack of information, but it was.
[00:03:33] I don’t know from a place of, I don’t think I’m ready to know what my truth is telling me. I don’t think I’m ready to act on what I’m feeling. I don’t think I’m ready to make the change. And for this person and their place in life, given their history, that made 100% sense. This conversation about, I don’t know, is in no way.
[00:04:00] Coming from a place of judgment in no way saying that you need to just rip the bandaid and do it. It’s to examine with a little bit more curiosity what would happen if you did know what would happen if you let yourself know a little sooner. Because in the case of this client and in my own situations, times in my life where I have experienced this too, once I let myself know.
[00:04:24] And I trust myself enough to act on that. Knowing what comes after is often hard to face, but in the long run is ultimately in service of me and the relationship the other person saying and doing the hard thing. If it’s hard in the moment, kicking it down the road isn’t gonna make it easier.
[00:04:45] But to bring it back to this client, what became so striking was that the information was there, the information of her experience, the feelings were there, the awareness was there, but the permission to know what that all meant was not there. When they finally let themselves know and not even really act on it, just know.
[00:05:06] Everything shifted, and in no way do I mean that it was easy. It just meant that it became clear. a side note of what would be the benefit of clarity. Why work so hard to get the clarity to say the thing that by all accounts, I don’t wanna say, I don’t wanna do, it’s hard Confusion. Living in a state of confusion is exhausting, and it’s draining. It’s very different than. Being in the pursuit of knowledge and trying to learn when we’re in a state of learning and growth, if we think about the bell curve of we’re being presented with new information, then we have to practice that information and then the pressure starts to come down when it becomes less about.
[00:05:50] Holding, retaining and gaining new information and more about it becoming integrated in our bodies. a great example is learning to drive. When you’re learning to drive, you can probably remember that feeling of taking your driver’s test and the first time you get out on the highway, how tight you’re gripping your steering wheel and remembering all the things you’re supposed to check, which.
[00:06:09] Now if you’re an adult, particularly if you’re an adult with kids, I’m somehow able to, and I’m not promoting this by the way, but I can hand back snacks. I can almost create like a little toddler buffet behind me with one hand while also drinking coffee. And as I’m saying this, I’m recognizing that it probably isn’t a smart and safe thing to do.
[00:06:26] So don’t take this as an endorsement. But all that to say, the actual skills required to feel confident and safe behind the wheel of my car. It’s so in integrated and ingrained into me because it’s practiced. And so when we’re stuck in a state of confusion, emotional confusion, or I don’t know mind, we are really in those beginning changes of change and growth, which is where the most effort is required of us.
[00:06:53] And living in that state is exhausting.
[00:06:55] So if we slow this process down, what do you already know? And. What do you know that you might be talking yourself out of? what’s underneath? I don’t know, much of the time is something else entirely. It’s a fear that, well, what if I’m wrong, or what if they get upset? Or what if I say the thing and it just makes things worse?
[00:07:17] Which could be true sometimes, and for a lot of us, it goes even deeper than that. It may feel like, what if I get in trouble? There is a younger, very tender, emotional part of you that still may believe that if I say the wrong thing, if I feel the wrong thing or if I bring up this thing that I’m not supposed to bring up, that a bad thing is going to happen.
[00:07:40] so instead of addressing that or acknowledging it, we stay quiet.
[00:07:45] Here is something that I’ve been thinking about a lot e, especially after the session that I’ve had recently, and I don’t think that the hardest part is the conversation itself. I think what it could be a lot of the time is what is happening before the conversation. Because once you allow yourself to fully embody the truth of your experience, you don’t get to unknow that information. And sitting on that information and not acting on it is harder than anything. And that is I think what we’re afraid of. And it actually makes me think of a moment in my own life that is fairly recent and actually pertains to the podcast where I recognized I was doing this too.
[00:08:26] And ’cause sometimes, I don’t know, it isn’t as bold or as blatant, but it’s, it’s like the drawer you’re avoiding decluttering or that project that you’ve been putting off and kind of dancing around. I don’t know what to do with it, so I’m not gonna do anything with it. And when it came to the podcast for the longest time, I let it stay safe and treated it like a hobby.
[00:08:48] And by stay safe, what I meant was that if I let myself acknowledge. And fully know the full expression of what my hopes and dreams for this were. It felt a little tender and a little terrifying because once I let myself acknowledge it, well, now what am I gonna do with it? But if I don’t know and I just kind of dance around it and I say, oh, it’s just something fun that I do, then I’m not really risking anything because there’s nothing at stake.
[00:09:15] There was another podcast. And I hope this creator is out there still doing incredible things in their own way, but they wanted to and did create a podcast with the same name. And it was brought to my attention and it was a fork in the road moment where I had to decide, am I going to protect my intellectual property?
[00:09:36] Am I gonna protect this brand and then do something with it? Or am I going to. Let this happen. Let the chips fall where they may, and let this continue to be a creative outlet slash hobby. And I was sort of forced into knowing something that I wasn’t entirely ready to admit. And sometimes that is the beautiful benefit of discomfort is it pushes us into clarity.
[00:09:58] ‘ cause once I decided that I was going to protect this, that I was going to trademark and do all that attorney stuff, I came out on the other side with an attorney fee and a lot of clarity that Okay, girl. You can’t unknow what you know now after this moment. What are we gonna do about it?
[00:10:17] And it was a growth edge. It stretched me, but in the best. In the best possible way. It was uncomfortable as hell at the time, but I have a lot of gratitude for it now. So I offer that just to add a little shade and context around other ways I don’t know, could be presenting itself in your life. That may not be coming out in those exact words, but places where for one reason or another, not letting yourself know something that really deeply matters to you.
[00:10:48] Knowing what I know now, I could say that I don’t know in the context of my podcast, may have been a little bit more like, I don’t know what this is gonna become. I don’t know how big I want it to be. I don’t know how much I wanna invest in it or how important it is to me, and. Somebody wanting to use the name help me know really fast, and it didn’t all get crystal clear immediately, but what it did reveal is this matters.
[00:11:13] This is mine and it is important. And that was not entirely new information, but the clarity, the undeniable clarity was new once I stopped avoiding what I already knew inside because once it’s true. Something has to change, and that is the part that is so scary. So the next time you hear yourself say, I don’t know, try asking this, what don’t I wanna know?
[00:11:42] It doesn’t mean you have to act just then. But hear yourself let the truth be expressed. A lot of what I don’t know is connected to is high functioning, freezing, freezing from fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. Confusion doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of information, but a fear of what that information will mean.
[00:12:03] And it also doesn’t mean something is wrong with you at all. It means something inside you is trying to protect you and keep you safe. This is exactly why I care so much about tools that actually help you build and enrich your relationship with yourself before you ever try to navigate a conversation with somebody else.
[00:12:22] Because if you can’t hear yourself, it’s really hard to advocate for yourself. That is one of the reasons why I created the Treasure Journal. It’s a seven part guided journal to help you slow down, create space to process what you’re feeling and hear your own thoughts more clearly, and wrestling a walrus for little people with big feelings.
[00:12:42] It’s a children’s book that helps us understand big feelings without feeling overwhelmed. Both are linked for you in the show notes, and as always, take what serves you. Leave what doesn’t. If you have been holding something in,
[00:12:55] maybe the question isn’t, how do I say this perfectly? If anything, I would actually say, forget the script. Let the therapy scripts go. You don’t need to sound like me or sound like a therapist or any other self-help person that you may have gotten a great sentence stem from. Start with what do I already know and if I felt safe and supported in my knowing.
[00:13:19] What else could be true about this situation?
[00:13:22] There is so much nuance and context that a format like this, like a podcast, doesn’t always allow for, because you are not here to ask your question and I’m not there to answer and respond to the very specific question that you have.
[00:13:35] And what I wanna add before signing off before we get back to our days, is that safety really matters. And it can be hard to know, is the risk that I’m feeling an internal process within me that I need to navigate, or is the threat outside of me and I’m responding in a way that makes absolute sense from my environment?
[00:13:56] It can be hard to know. So a couple of things that I would encourage you to do if they’re not already in place Once you’ve acknowledged the truth to yourself as best you can, write it down, let it exist somewhere, speak it in a voice note, walk away from it, and then come back to it and listen to it and see if that version of the truth still feels true in your body.
[00:14:16] The truth is not conditional it. I’ll just say that again, the truth, capital T truth is not conditional. if it was true, then it will feel true later. You can always say it to a trusted friend. Say it to somebody that loves you. Or you can also say it to a more impartial party, like a coach or like a therapist, a mentor, somebody in your life who, whatever you’re about to reveal doesn’t directly impact them and they have an opportunity to be a little bit more objective.
[00:14:46] But don’t sit on what you know, particularly if like the heavy metal music. It’s just making you shake and jitter inside. The truth creates momentum and it wants you to act on it. But of course, take what works for you, leave what doesn’t. Trust yourself. You know you better than anybody else does, and as your therapeutic podcast advocate, I just want you to know that you deserve to speak your truth, and you deserve to live in a way that supports that.
[00:15:16] If this episode resonated, send it to somebody who might be holding onto something too.
[00:15:22] If you’re someone navigating big feelings in a very full life, you are exactly who this space is for. And
[00:15:28] if you’ve ever listened to this podcast and thought to yourself, I wish I could just be in the same room and have this conversation, okay, let’s do it. I wanna come to you. This work isn’t just meant to live in your headphones while you’re out on your hot girl walks. It’s also meant to be experienced together, a real life version of this podcast.
[00:15:46] More laughter, more eye contact. A gentle reset in real life. if that is your company, your community, or your group, reach out to me. Email me at da******@***********nd.com. I would love to meet you there. see you next time. You don’t need a perfect answer. You just need a better question, and in the meantime, don’t cut your own ban
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