TL;DR: Wanting people you love to understand and support you is normal. The problem begins when their agreement becomes the permission you need before you can take your own feelings, wants, or needs seriously. Self-trust doesn’t mean ignoring other people’s opinions. It means staying connected to yourself even when someone else sees things differently.
If You Need to Hear This Today…
Have you ever noticed how much explaining you do when you really, really want someone to agree with you?
Maybe you build a case.
Provide context.
Explain how long you’ve been feeling this way.
Tell them everything you’ve already tried.
Anticipate their potential objections.
Maybe, if you’re anything like me, you rehearse the conversation so thoroughly that the other person has already said all of their lines approximately eleven times.
And they weren’t even there.
It can look like excellent communication.
But underneath all that explaining can be a much more vulnerable hope:
If I can get you to understand why I need this, maybe I’ll feel safer actually doing something about it.
Because if you understand, maybe you won’t be upset.
If you agree, I won’t have to defend myself.
If you’re supportive, I won’t have to wrestle with the discomfort of disappointing you.
Being understood feels wonderful.
Being supported feels wonderful.
But what happens when someone you love doesn’t understand?
Do you still feel free to honor what you know?
That’s where this gets interesting.
Why Do I Need Other People to Agree With Me?
Sometimes another person’s agreement isn’t just agreement.
It has quietly become evidence.
If you’re happy with me, I’m okay.
If you think my decision makes sense, maybe I’m making the right decision.
If I set a boundary and you’re completely comfortable with it—well, excellent. Boundary successfully installed. Five stars.
But if you’re disappointed?
If you think I’m unreasonable?
If you question my decision?
Suddenly I’m not only considering your opinion.
I may be questioning myself.
This can be particularly difficult to recognize if you’re smart, capable, responsible, and good at taking care of other people.
Maybe you’ve spent much of your life being rewarded for anticipating.
Accommodating.
Reading the room.
Solving problems before they become problems.
Being the child who didn’t cause trouble. The student teachers trusted. The employee everyone could count on. The person who can hold a lot and somehow still look remarkably functional from the outside.
Those are real strengths.
But sometimes a strength we use over and over becomes so automatic that we stop noticing what it costs us.
And if keeping everyone around you okay has historically helped you feel okay, someone else’s disappointment can register as much more than disappointment.
It can feel like danger.
Why Do I Over-Explain Myself?
There is nothing wrong with explaining yourself.
Context matters. Communication matters. Wanting another person to understand where you’re coming from is part of being in a relationship.
The more revealing question is:
What happens after you’ve communicated clearly?
Can the other person have a response you don’t like?
Or do you keep explaining until their opinion changes?
That’s the difference between:
“I want to be understood.”
and
“I need you to agree so I can feel okay.”
This is why over-explaining can be so slippery.
It often looks incredibly reasonable.
You may genuinely believe you’re simply trying to communicate more clearly.
But quietly, you may also be trying to build such an airtight case that it becomes almost impossible for the other person to disagree with you without seeming unreasonable themselves.
I’ve done this.
My husband and I used to joke about it when one of us wanted to buy something that wasn’t exactly an obvious necessity—a guitar, a handbag, whatever.
Instead of simply saying:
I really want this.
we’d add:
“I’ve wanted this my whole life.”
Well, now the other person isn’t simply weighing in on whether this is the ideal moment to buy a handbag.
They’re holding the fate of my lifelong dream in their hands.
No pressure.
It’s funny when the stakes are a handbag.
It’s much less funny when we do the same thing around our boundaries, careers, relationships, rest, parenting, or needs.
Why Does Someone Else’s Disappointment Feel So Bad?
Sometimes the fear isn’t really:
What if they’re disappointed?
It’s:
What does their disappointment mean about me?
Maybe I’m selfish.
Difficult.
Unreasonable.
Too much.
A bad partner.
A disappointing daughter.
Not a team player.
Not as kind as I thought I was.
When you get underneath it, the fear can sound surprisingly young:
“I don’t want you to be mad at me.”
“I don’t want to be in trouble.”
There’s something useful about hearing that plainly.
Because the adult version of you may know that another person’s discomfort doesn’t automatically mean you’ve done something wrong.
But another part of you may still be operating from an older equation:
If everyone around me is okay, I’m okay.
And when someone else wobbles, you wobble too.
Recognizing that doesn’t mean diagnosing yourself or turning every accommodating behavior into a pathology.
You may simply be highly empathetic.
Emotionally perceptive.
Really good at considering both sides.
But here’s the question I care about:
Is the way you’re operating actually working for you?
Not: Is it admirable?
Not: Are other people pleased with it?
How do you feel inside the life it creates?
How Can I Tell If I’m Waiting for Permission?
You don’t have to set a new boundary or confront anyone to find out.
Try something much smaller.
Think of one ordinary thing you know you could use more of right now.
Maybe rest.
An afternoon to yourself.
Saying no to something.
Asking for help.
Spending money on something that’s just for you.
Changing the way something works at home.
Now imagine telling the person whose opinion matters most.
But don’t imagine them immediately saying:
Of course! I completely understand!
Imagine they pause.
Then say:
“Huh. Really?”
Or:
“Are you sure that’s necessary?”
Or simply:
“I don’t think we can do that.”
Now notice.
Does your chest tighten?
Does your stomach drop?
Are you already preparing your rebuttal?
Do you immediately want to provide more context?
Do you start wondering whether maybe you don’t need the thing after all?
Nothing has actually happened.
The entire conversation is imaginary.
And yet your body may already be telling you something important about how much another person’s buy-in matters.
As I put it in the episode:
If imagined disapproval can make you abandon your own need, real disapproval probably has more power than you realize.
That’s not a reason to judge yourself.
It’s information.
Myth: Self-Trust Means Not Caring What Anyone Thinks
This is where I want to be careful.
Because the solution to outsourcing all of our decisions isn’t swinging wildly in the other direction and deciding:
Nobody else’s opinion matters. I’m doing whatever I want.
We need other people.
Relationships matter.
Context matters.
Responsibilities matter.
Your partner’s needs matter.
Your boss may have relevant information.
Your friend may see something you don’t.
Someone else’s response is information, too.
The reframe is this:
Wanting support is different from needing permission.
The goal isn’t to stop wanting people to support you.
It’s noticing when their support has quietly been acting as the permission slip you require before you’re allowed to support yourself.
That’s a very different thing.
Myth: Self-Trust Means Not Caring What Anyone Thinks
This is where I want to be careful.
Because the solution to outsourcing all of our decisions isn’t swinging wildly in the other direction and deciding:
Nobody else’s opinion matters. I’m doing whatever I want.
We need other people.
Relationships matter.
Context matters.
Responsibilities matter.
Your partner’s needs matter.
Your boss may have relevant information.
Your friend may see something you don’t.
Someone else’s response is information, too.
The reframe is this:
Wanting support is different from needing permission.
The goal isn’t to stop wanting people to support you.
It’s noticing when their support has quietly been acting as the permission slip you require before you’re allowed to support yourself.
That’s a very different thing.
What If Someone I Love Really Doesn’t Understand?
Then they don’t understand.
And yes, that can hurt.
Someone can love you and not understand your decision.
Someone can be disappointed in a choice you’re making.
Someone can need time to process something you’ve asked for.
Someone can say no.
And you don’t have to spend the time between their reaction and whatever happens next putting yourself back on trial.
There’s a line from this episode that I want to keep close:
Someone else’s freedom to respond honestly is part of my freedom to ask honestly.
If I’m not trying to position you into agreement, you can give me an honest response.
Maybe it’s yes.
Maybe it’s no.
Maybe it’s:
I can’t do that, but I could do this.
Maybe it’s:
I love you, and I don’t fully know what to do with this information yet.
That’s a real conversation.
And real conversations require room for two people to exist.
The Heart of This Conversation
The goal isn’t to stop caring whether people support you.
Support matters.
Being seen matters.
Feeling understood by people we love can be profoundly meaningful.
But there is a difference between:
“I really hope you’ll support me.”
and
“I need you to support me before I can support myself.”
You are allowed to take your experience seriously without taking everyone else’s experience less seriously.
You belong in the equation, too.
And sometimes the beginning of self-trust is simply noticing where you’ve been waiting for somebody else to let you in.
A Gentle Reflection
This week, don’t overhaul your life.
Please don’t quit your job because you read a blog post about self-trust.
Just notice.
Where are you explaining something for the fourth time?
Where are you gathering evidence?
Where are you anticipating objections that haven’t happened yet?
Where are you trying to make a need so reasonable that nobody could possibly disagree?
And underneath all of it:
Where am I waiting for someone else’s agreement before I allow myself to act on what I already know?
No judgment.
Recognition is still movement.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I need other people’s approval?
Approval can become especially powerful when being helpful, agreeable, responsible, or “not a problem” has historically been rewarded. Another person’s positive response may begin to feel like evidence that you’re okay, which can make disagreement feel much more threatening than the disagreement itself.
Why do I over-explain myself when setting boundaries?
Sometimes you’re simply providing useful context. But if you’ve already communicated clearly and continue explaining because you need the other person to change their opinion, you may be looking for more than understanding. You may be looking for enough agreement to feel comfortable honoring the boundary.
How do I stop being afraid of disappointing people?
The goal doesn’t have to be eliminating the discomfort. Start by noticing what you believe their disappointment means about you. Then practice separating their response from your worth and from the legitimacy of your experience. Their feelings can matter without automatically determining what you should do.
How can I trust myself without ignoring other people’s needs?
Self-trust isn’t the same as always choosing yourself over everyone else. Context, relationships, responsibilities, and other people’s needs still matter. The shift is simply remembering
One Last Thing…
Maybe you don’t need to become a person who never cares what anyone thinks.
I don’t particularly want that for you.
Connection matters.
Community matters.
There will be moments when someone else’s perspective changes your mind—and thank goodness for that.
But you can care deeply about what someone thinks without handing them the final vote on whether your experience is legitimate.
You can hope they’ll understand.
You can want their support.
You can listen when they see things differently.
And you can stay with yourself while they do.
Support can be something you deeply want without becoming the permission slip you need.
Listen to Supporting Others Without Losing Yourself
This essay is based on Part 2 of my three-part Supporting Others Without Losing Yourself series on Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs.
Part 1 begins with recognition: What am I feeling, and what might I need?
Part 2 asks what happens when you discover the answer—and somebody else doesn’t understand.
And in Part 3, we’ll move into what comes next: how to begin changing something when there are already years, maybe decades, of momentum behind the way you’ve been living. The episode previews that shift through the image of slowing a freight train rather than trying to derail it all at once.
Whether I’m sitting with therapy clients, hosting this podcast, or speaking to teams and organizations, this is the work I keep coming back to: helping people find clearer language for what they’re experiencing so they can relate to themselves—and each other—a little differently.
If you’re looking for a speaker to bring conversations about communication, burnout, boundaries, emotional wellbeing, and self-trust to your organization, association, conference, or retreat, I’d love to continue the conversation there.
Learn more about Danielle Ireland and speaking
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DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW
I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you’d like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below.
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